TIME OUT!!

Conflict happens and many of us have never learned how to regulate our bodies during a conflict. I know many people that were unintentionally taught throughout their lives that we yell until we can’t handle it and run out of the room. That way of handling conflict only causes more harm to the relationship you are in. Finding better ways to manage conflict is where breaks or time outs can be really beneficial. Time outs can be a helpful tool to help you work through a conflict whether you are in a parent/child relationship or in a partner relationship. So how do you know when you need a time out? To put it simply, any time the conversation becomes unhelpful or hurtful to the relationship, it is time to take a break.

How do we know when the conversation turns unhelpful? We can determine that point by understanding what unhealthy conflict is. Unhealthy conflict can include things like defensiveness, blaming, avoidance or denying the conflict exists, criticism, etc. Conflict is a normal part of life and it is critical to understand when healthy conflict crosses the line into unhealthy conflict. In our culture, conflict is frequently synonymous with yelling, however, it does not have to be that way. Conflict isn’t just thoughts and feelings either, it is also tied to our bodies. When we are in conflict, our bodies respond whether we like it or not. Our bodies start prepping us and pretty soon we are off to the races. It is easy to look back on a conflict and ask ourselves, “what the heck was that even about.” Sometimes conflict can move so fast, we need to give ourselves a chance to pause and readjust.

It is important to keep in mind that the goal of breaks is to regulate yourself back into your tolerance window where you are in a grounded, present, flexible state rather than an anxious, angry or shutdown state. Utilizing breaks will allow you to practice regulating so that less breaks will be needed in future conflicts.

Below is a guide to help you manage conflict once it becomes unhelpful. I hope this helps you to navigate conflict in a more effective way.

Breaks/Time Outs During Conflict

Before the Conflict

1.     Think about anger on a 0-10 scale, 0 means you are completely relaxed and 10 can be related to you are so mad you could start smashing holes in walls. Think about where your 5 is. What does conflict look like at a 5? Once the conversation gets past a 5, typically the conversation is no longer helpful, and a break is needed.

2.     Decide what body signals let you know when you need a break (Ex. Racing thoughts, raised voice, tightening of your jaw, racing heart, sweating).

3.     Choose a word, phrase, gesture, sign that lets the other person know you need a break. This could be a silly word to help ease the tension, a simple “let’s break,” a stuffed animal placed somewhere specific, etc.  

4.     If a break needs to be called, the other person must respect it and the designated person will start the timer.

a.     If you are a couple, decide who should be starting the timer each time to provide consistency. If you are in a parent/teen relationship, the parent will start the timer each time.

During

1.     *Break called*

a.     Remember, the break must be respected by all people involved. The designated person should start the timer.

2.     During the break - Use a mindfulness app, do some deep breathing, push against the floor or wall, etc. to help you regulate your body back into a regulated state.

3.     Grab a piece of paper and start writing what you think the other person is missing about your perspective. Use an emotions wheel to help you identify how you are feeling. This is a good one: Emotions Wheel.

4.     Once the timer is done, the parent or other partner will come get the teen/partner and check-in at what number they are at. If one or both of you are not under a 5, re-start the 20 minutes. Do this until both are under a 5.

5.     If both are under a 5, restart or redo the conversation. This time starting with what you thought the other person was missing using I feel_____, because of ______, I would like or need ________ while the other is using validating statements “I can understand how that would be _____(frustrating, annoying, sad)” or “I’m so sorry that felt like I wasn’t hearing you.”

6.     *It is important to remember that you may not resolve the conflict, some conflict is unresolvable. The goal of these breakouts is to help regulate your body to stay in the conflict without it escalating to unhelpful levels.

After

1.     After the conflict is over and emotions have been regulated, process together how it went (it could be a few hours later or days). Pretend you are a detective looking for errors/behaviors/etc. you want to change and talk them out. Only discuss what errors/behaviors/etc. you saw yourself make.

2.     After you are done talking about those things. Gently discuss what you needed in the moment if you did not get what you needed at the time.

3.     *Do not go back into the conflict during this conversation. Only process what happened during the conversation for you.” If you cannot seem to stay off of the topic, it may be beneficial to bring it up with your therapist.

Thankfulness and Gratitude

We know that gratitude changes the brain. Wait, you didn’t know that? Check out this article: Gratitude Alters Heart and Brain. FASCINATING stuff, am I right?

It is relatively easy to incorporate gratitude into your everyday life when you think about it for yourself. Sunsets, birds chirping, having enough food to eat are all things that are pretty easy to name. It often becomes much harder in a relationship with another person. After the honeymoon phase ends, those annoying attributes start to pop out. Like when you think to yourself, “I swear if they leave the dishes on the counter one more time…I may just kill them!” Then, before you know it all you can see is a rotten partner that never does anything to help out around the house and you are left wondering why you are in this relationship in the first place. There you are completely carrying the entire household on your back and what are they doing? NOTHING!

So how do we avoid even getting to that point? Thankfulness and gratitude. Time and time again I have had couples come in with the common argument of chores. The couples that notice the most improvement are able to successfully incorporate thankfulness and gratitude into their day to day life. I often ask couples when they see their partner doing a chore if they ever thank them or celebrate with them for accomplishing something? I get looks of bewilderment many times, “no, we don’t celebrate the dishes getting done. I shouldn’t have to thank them or celebrate that they did a required chore.” However, when we start celebrating those little things, soon you will feel a little bit better about those things that haven’t gotten done yet.

I will give you a personal example. When I was in grad school I was also working full-time, my husband was working full-time, and we worked opposite hours so needless to say the house was a disaster- and when I say disaster, I do mean it! I am talking no silverware or dishes left disaster. This was normal at that point because we were surviving not thriving ya’ll. My husband was picking up slack where he could, but some things just weren’t getting done. Now that I’m graduated things are much more consistent, but I would also be lying if I said that this hasn’t happened occasionally even now. However, I don’t think I ever once heard sarcasm from my husband when I did clean, “wow, glad you finally got around to those dishes” or “about time!” All I heard was, “honey, the kitchen looks great” or “great job on the dishes, honey!” What a relief it is to not be chastised for finally getting around to doing something! Verbal affirmations are important for me so I seek encouragement when I need it. All I really need to say is, “Look, did you see I did this?!” And of course, I am met with a “I did, great job!” I do the same things for him. Does all of this magically make me or him like doing mundane chores or house projects? Nope, we still hate them.

What does this change then? It changes our brains to seek out the positives about each other. It helps us assume good intentions when the other spouse forgets to do something or just doesn’t get around to it. Most importantly, when a passive aggressive comment accidentally does pop out somewhere in our relationship, it doesn’t immediately start a fight. What it does do is prompt curiosity about where that comment came from.  It eases the startup of that conversation because our ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict are more balanced.

That magic ratio is 5:1, you need 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction during a conflict. Read more about that magic ratio: Gottman 5:1 ratio. But now we’re talking about conflict? Gratitude and conflict are different topics, right? …Well, not necessarily- I see them as intertwined. If I can’t be thankful outside of conflict, I’m certainly not going to find it in the heat of an argument. Finding thankfulness and gratitude outside of conflict helps you to bring it into the conflict and keep that ratio balanced and your relationship intact. 

Thankfulness and gratitude are some of the best materials in the foundation of a partnership. It is never to late to incorporate this into your relationship. So go get those sticky notes or that journal and start leaving notes for your partner if you have a hard time saying it out loud at first. Most importantly, stick with it.

“The way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.” —Charles Schwab