Conflict happens and many of us have never learned how to regulate our bodies during a conflict. I know many people that were unintentionally taught throughout their lives that we yell until we can’t handle it and run out of the room. That way of handling conflict only causes more harm to the relationship you are in. Finding better ways to manage conflict is where breaks or time outs can be really beneficial. Time outs can be a helpful tool to help you work through a conflict whether you are in a parent/child relationship or in a partner relationship. So how do you know when you need a time out? To put it simply, any time the conversation becomes unhelpful or hurtful to the relationship, it is time to take a break.
How do we know when the conversation turns unhelpful? We can determine that point by understanding what unhealthy conflict is. Unhealthy conflict can include things like defensiveness, blaming, avoidance or denying the conflict exists, criticism, etc. Conflict is a normal part of life and it is critical to understand when healthy conflict crosses the line into unhealthy conflict. In our culture, conflict is frequently synonymous with yelling, however, it does not have to be that way. Conflict isn’t just thoughts and feelings either, it is also tied to our bodies. When we are in conflict, our bodies respond whether we like it or not. Our bodies start prepping us and pretty soon we are off to the races. It is easy to look back on a conflict and ask ourselves, “what the heck was that even about.” Sometimes conflict can move so fast, we need to give ourselves a chance to pause and readjust.
It is important to keep in mind that the goal of breaks is to regulate yourself back into your tolerance window where you are in a grounded, present, flexible state rather than an anxious, angry or shutdown state. Utilizing breaks will allow you to practice regulating so that less breaks will be needed in future conflicts.
Below is a guide to help you manage conflict once it becomes unhelpful. I hope this helps you to navigate conflict in a more effective way.
Breaks/Time Outs During Conflict
Before the Conflict
1. Think about anger on a 0-10 scale, 0 means you are completely relaxed and 10 can be related to you are so mad you could start smashing holes in walls. Think about where your 5 is. What does conflict look like at a 5? Once the conversation gets past a 5, typically the conversation is no longer helpful, and a break is needed.
2. Decide what body signals let you know when you need a break (Ex. Racing thoughts, raised voice, tightening of your jaw, racing heart, sweating).
3. Choose a word, phrase, gesture, sign that lets the other person know you need a break. This could be a silly word to help ease the tension, a simple “let’s break,” a stuffed animal placed somewhere specific, etc.
4. If a break needs to be called, the other person must respect it and the designated person will start the timer.
a. If you are a couple, decide who should be starting the timer each time to provide consistency. If you are in a parent/teen relationship, the parent will start the timer each time.
During
1. *Break called*
a. Remember, the break must be respected by all people involved. The designated person should start the timer.
2. During the break - Use a mindfulness app, do some deep breathing, push against the floor or wall, etc. to help you regulate your body back into a regulated state.
3. Grab a piece of paper and start writing what you think the other person is missing about your perspective. Use an emotions wheel to help you identify how you are feeling. This is a good one: Emotions Wheel.
4. Once the timer is done, the parent or other partner will come get the teen/partner and check-in at what number they are at. If one or both of you are not under a 5, re-start the 20 minutes. Do this until both are under a 5.
5. If both are under a 5, restart or redo the conversation. This time starting with what you thought the other person was missing using I feel_____, because of ______, I would like or need ________ while the other is using validating statements “I can understand how that would be _____(frustrating, annoying, sad)” or “I’m so sorry that felt like I wasn’t hearing you.”
6. *It is important to remember that you may not resolve the conflict, some conflict is unresolvable. The goal of these breakouts is to help regulate your body to stay in the conflict without it escalating to unhelpful levels.
After
1. After the conflict is over and emotions have been regulated, process together how it went (it could be a few hours later or days). Pretend you are a detective looking for errors/behaviors/etc. you want to change and talk them out. Only discuss what errors/behaviors/etc. you saw yourself make.
2. After you are done talking about those things. Gently discuss what you needed in the moment if you did not get what you needed at the time.
3. *Do not go back into the conflict during this conversation. Only process what happened during the conversation for you.” If you cannot seem to stay off of the topic, it may be beneficial to bring it up with your therapist.